Yes I am incredibly lucky and I know it! I have busted my ass and as a result, opportunities have been handed to me on a seemingly gilded platter. However, I am learning that everything comes with a compromise.
Because I am grieving.
This is new and alien, I did not know that you could grieve memories, a place, a period of life. The last three years have been the best of my life so far, and I desperately want to go back and do it all again because it has all ended far too soon. Relationships have been left only half formed and it leaves me wondering whether they will stand the test of time and distance, the two largest barriers to development and closeness, in my humble opinion.
And yes I know the world is my oyster and that I should move forward with leaping strides. And I will, but right now I am stuck in a sort of mental rut, It just seems that so many kinds of emotions have fallen on me rather heavily...uncertainess, hurt, sadness, grief, loneliness yet I am elated and can taste some sort of freedom on the tip of my tongue, some sort of openess at the ends of my nerves.
I am not the same person I was two, even one year ago. I feel like I know myself reasonably well, developing in all sorts of interesting directions. It's a good thing and I know that.
But sometimes it is really quite terrifying and I do not know how I should be reacting.
Also the red hot chili peppers are great for this kind of uncertain mental state.
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