On Leaving University (for now)

I have finished my Bachelors degree packed up my room and moved to a new place to start a new job.

Yes I am incredibly lucky and I know it! I have busted my ass and as a result, opportunities have been handed to me on a seemingly gilded platter. However, I am learning that everything comes with a compromise. 

Because I am grieving.

This is new and alien, I did not know that you could grieve memories, a place, a period of life. The last three years have been the best of my life so far, and I desperately want to go back and do it all again because it has all ended far too soon. Relationships have been left only half formed and it leaves me wondering whether they will stand the test of time and distance, the two largest barriers to development and closeness, in my humble opinion.

And yes I know the world is my oyster and that I should move forward with leaping strides. And I will, but right now I am stuck in a sort of mental rut, It just seems that so many kinds of emotions have fallen on me rather heavily...uncertainess, hurt, sadness, grief, loneliness yet I am elated and can taste some sort of freedom on the tip of my tongue, some sort of openess at the ends of my nerves.

I am not the same person I was two, even one year ago. I feel like I know myself reasonably well, developing in all sorts of interesting directions. It's a good thing and I know that.

But sometimes it is really quite terrifying and I do not know how I should be reacting.

Also the red hot chili peppers are great for this kind of uncertain mental state.

Rook Piercing Experience

So I've wanted a rook for a few months now, and finally went and got it done on the 28th of October, so it's coming up to two weeks healing. Thought I'd share my experience with the piercing itself and healing (so far) cos doing background research before I decided was really important to me.

It set me back $45 (incl. jewellery) and I got it done at Bohemian Arts Tattoo, Tauranga, New Zealand. I already had one tattoo done there so I thought I may as well go back. Everyone knows that pain is subjective, but for me this hurt like a BITCH. And I have a pretty high pain tolerance so that is saying something. I had a little bit of bleeding, during the piercing itself and the day after.

Healing so far has been very easy ( I'm cleaning it with soaped up fingers, not antibacterial or anything) during my shower, then cleaning with a antibacterial solution and finishing with a diluted tea tree oil spray afterwards. Bit of pain during the first three days, couldn't sleep on it. Pain went away until the fourth and fifth day where it got pretty bad, just took two paracetamol and it went away. No swelling, and as of now no pain at all, just a small ache when I clean it, can sleep on it if I cradle my ear with my hand which is no drama (10th November)

Will update at the end of the month! Hopefully this helps somewhere because there are lots of horrible piercing experiences out there, which I would guess is just a small proportion of people. Don't let it put you off!

Two months later, 28/12: No pain at all except for when I accidentally gave it a nasty knock, causing it to bleed a little, was fine the next day. I've stopped cleaning it everyday except after I've been in a chlorine pool. No pain while sleeping. Occasionally a little bit of crust will accumulate but I just clean that away, it's not associated with any pain. I don't think this needs any more updates, so good luck and have fun getting pierced :D

My poetry

So recently I've decided to 'come out of the closet' so to speak, but not in the homosexual manner. Put away your lesbian fantasies right now, thank-you-very-much!

No, I am a poet and would like everyone to know it! (unintentional rhyme).

I've been writing free verse with a passion since I was thirteen or so; but was enjoying writing it in school since the age of eleven. First it was just the teenage angsty stuff; tired metaphors and cliches about not fitting in and butterfly crushes. I think that's where it ends for a lot of people. Not for me however, 20 years old and still going strong, I suppose, and I'm actually starting to realise that maybe, just maybe, my stuff isn't actually that bad. Bonus points for discovering that a distant relative (I'm talking three or four generations back, on my dad's side) was once a published poet.

I guess I've been pretty reclusive, I really don't think there's a single person in the world that I could give my little book of pencil scribblings (always pencil, I detest writing in pen) to and say 'here, read whatever the heck you want!' for the simple reason that 99% of everything I write is really quite personal. Seriously though, it's all grayscale, raw, rich truth. Realise then, that if I ever decide to share entire poems with you, you should appreciate it, because for me there is no better way for me to say 'I trust you and you are a very important person in my life'. And if I write poetry FOR someone, like a friend, family member, lover, whoever, well that is a entirely new level all together. Even if I'm wrong about that person later and they've screwed me over or something, the words I have written will always, always be true. I guess because I write in pencil, I have the power to erase everything. But I never have, even with words that are associated with people that don't give me pleasant feelings now.

Moving into performance poetry (also known as spoken word or slam poetry) has been a huge leap of faith for me. I've discovered it is easy enough to perform in front of strangers; though when it comes to people I care about,my heart hammers and my legs tremble and I have to shift my weight to stop myself from falling over. Let alone looking them in the eye, oh no, I will gaze at a spot on the wall until it's over and I can sit down and...breathe.

Words have always been a passion for me; always a reader, always a writer. Why poetry? you may wonder. BECAUSE IT HAS NO RULES! There are no grammar, punctuation rules! You can take things completely out of its normal context and mess with it in any way you like. This is also why I've been a bit wary of poetry competitions; how can one define good poetry? You can't, and that is what makes it one of the most expressive forms of literature. That also means that anyone, everyone can write. And don't give me bull about 'how you have no talent' or you 'just can't' because those are excuses. Also, for the record, poetry is not 'girly' I can guarantee that the majority of the most widely celebrated and classic poets are men. Some beautiful beautiful stuff they have produced too.

My favourite modern poet: Sujata Bhatt
My favourite classic poets: John Keats and John Masefield
And a famous New Zealand poet: James K. Baxter

I guess I owe you a few scraps of my stuff:

'My Mind is fringed with peacock plume,
My Dreams are tinged with an endless sea...
This is my place'  (plan to get this as a tattoo one day)

'Mountains chasing the coast,
       turn back
in defeat;
as the mighty power of the ocean roars
      its challenge.
Sinous rivers flow,
     silently, slowly
freshwater slipping past
     saltine currents.'

'Who said night time had to be lonely?
I had never felt so comforted
By the voices that will never speak'

I'll admit even these seemingly vanilla verses are hard to share.

If you got this far, congratulations! I appreciate it :)

Things I don't want to do today vs. things I want to do today

Pulling into procrastination station.

THINGS I DON'T WANT TO DO TODAY
1. Study
2. Study some more
3. Go to work...mm it's only a 4 hour shift but still!
4. Feel soft and useless...yuck.
5. Write crappy prose/poetry
6. Cook
7. Drive...wish supermarkets had delivery for purchases under $20
8. Look at my bank account
9. Continuously check Facebook. YES I am addicted like the rest of you...don't even try to hide it.
10. Procrastinate

THINGS I WANT TO DO TODAY
1. Find my motivation!! Then I will want to study
2. Eat lots of snickers and lindt chocolate and guylian belgian chocolates...o yea. Unfortunately my bank account does not allow for this kind of thing.
   2b...but I do I have an overdraft...
3. Somehow gain money by not doing anything.
4. Get a small tattoo...I think a little simple kiwi with 'Made in NZ' underneath, just below my armpit. Again my bank account SAYS NO. Bugger you.
5. Write AWESOME poetry and prose.
6. Sit in the rain...I want it to rain
7. Suddenly develop a cold. This means no work which means no money which means no chocolate which means no life! Such sad problems I have
8. Go home and see my cat and giant puppy dog. Meow woof through the interwebs!
9. Eat McDonalds for dinner. But I have vegetables that need eating...eh.
10. CLAIM SOME COURSE RELATED COSTS!!! best idea ever.
11. Read read and read some more.
12. Watch a bunch of movies in a theater.

So these lists aren't really balanced, but hey, I officially managed to waste 15 minutes of time. Sure I'll never get that back, but do I care? No, no I do not.

That's all folks

What to do when fiction makes you feel something that’s not fictional

Congratulations! You have come across a book that’s reached inside you and pulled out emotions that you thought were only reserved for real life shit. Whether you are sobbing your heart out, or you’re so angry that you’re quite willing to throw that book across the room, or you’re so damn happy and feeling like you’ve just won the lottery.

Having been an avid reader for as long as I can remember, I’ve come across books that have torn my heart in half and others that make me go ‘Huh. Is that it?’ Most recently, I’ve dug myself a very deep hole in the form of The Game of Thrones. I have never had such a love/hate relationship with a book series. In particular, the scene dubbed ‘The Red Wedding’ in A Storm of Swords: Blood and Gold. Fiction has never made me feel a grief so acute! So, some tips in overcoming these feelings.

1. Give yourself a small break. Acknowledge your emotional state and wallow for a little.

2. Curse or praise the author a bit. Get those feelings out!

3. Write some fan fiction where the scene changes to suit your feelings

4. Go watch some shitty TV. It will make you wonder what the fuck you are doing killing your brain cells, therefore will make you more  open to the idea of going back to reading the book that just broke your heart…logic at its best

5. Complain to your friends/family about what you have just read, and discuss mutual feelings.  If you talk to someone who hasn’t read that book, PLEASE warn them of what’s coming! Without giving it away, of course.

6. Take a long, hot shower. That usually fixes everything.

And above all, DO NOT STOP READING. You have committed yourself to this book, see it through! Anyway, if you’ve gotten to the point where a book is making you feel real stuff, you’re in too deep to stop, I would imagine.

You have no problems

Whaaaat's up?

Just started my new job. For those who don't know (I'm pretty sure that's everyone) I work as a health care assistant. Essentially, I administer care for those who need it most; elderly, physically and intellectually disabled people. This can range from helping an old man to the bathroom and doing light housework, to personal cares, feeding, dressing, giving medication, etc. Needless to say it's not your typical job, and many people are surprised to learn that I'm not working in retail or at a fast food joint, which is the norm for someone of my age group.

To be in this kinda profession for a year and a bit, you see all kinds of things. I won't list these things because I'm likely to put you off meals somehow.

And no, I am not describing my problems.

I met a new client today, and I can't give many details at the risk of being unprofessional and unethical. He is in his mid teens, and severely brain damaged. He's only been that way for 4 years, and the cause of his current state is horrific. Use your imagination. He cannot speak, his only range of movement is his head side to side, blinking and opening of the mouth. He cannot swallow. You get the picture.

To be around someone like that, it almost put me in tears. If it had I would not have been able to carry on working with him, you have to put personal emotional crap aside to do your job properly. I am now rather good at turning off that switch, so to speak. But anyway, it gets you thinking, and all that stress related crap that had been floating around in my brain for the last couple of weeks suddenly seemed so insignificant, and it honestly made me feel sick to the stomach.
   Most people float through life not knowing (and sometimes not caring) about our most vulnerable. You meet a person who is [vulnerable] and trust me, nothing will matter anymore.

So before you go thinking 'my life is crap' or 'gah so stressed out because of (enter trivial reason here)' slap yourself and say 'I have no problems'

I'm not sure if I'm even getting the point across, I am just venting essentially. And by the by, I doubt there is a teenage boy more loved by his family in this world. It's incredible, believe me.

TTFN, hope I got the gears working.

On nostalgia and things that strike a chord

Been so bored recently...

Just thinking about things, past things and how they make me feel. Like how songs, a scent, associated with old emotions, and suddenly you're reminded of them and whatever that feeling is, it resonates inside you and you are just dumbfounded.

Almost an out-of-body experience (not that I know what that feels like), and bam you're back to the place, you're seeing faces, hearing voices, smelling scents that seem to come from necks, or the indents in shoulders.

And it doesn't necessarily have to be a deep emotion, sometimes it's only like 'oh yeah that song makes me think of that time I was driving down that particular stretch of road' and it's a shallow feeling, you acknowledge it and move on.

Strange stuff, huh? What I find is, is that it doesn't matter how long it's been, a simple reminder and everything you felt at that point comes flooding back.

Not very nice, sometimes.

TTFN

On models

Hey ya,

Don't worry I'm not gonna go on about insecurities again, lol. Just some thoughts I had after I bought a new bikini (it's awesome, btw... o'neill brand, rrp $110 down to $65!) Click here if you wanna see

Anyways, so I'd planned to jump in the surf across the road to get my much needed dose of salt water. I thought 'well, why not try out the new bikini?' and so I did. Stood up to the surf really well considering it was relatively rough, 1-1.3m waves which is decent for the local beach. Choppy too as you'd expect. I usually have a few problems finding a bikini that won't fall apart once you get into a bit of surf, so I was right pleased.

All this stuff got me thinking: Why do bikini models lounge around in the sand, etc to show scraps of fabric off? As below (don't get distracted now):


(yay for Miranda Kerr and having smallish boobs yet still being hot :p)

Seems like a complete misrepresentation, kinda like how you go to McDonalds and you see all the pretty shiny burgers on the menu but when you get your burger you're like 'wtf is this shit'

I think that they should be put in surf like this:
So we can see what happens. Ok maybe this is a little extreme but you catch my drift, right? (teeny bit of punness in there)

If that was the case, I'd be a freakin awesome bikini model. This concept/idea/opinion, however you see it would work the same for runway models too, in stilettos and stuff. I'd like to see them try working a full day and still look hot.

Thoughts, ideas, opinions? I'm craving some stimulation of the cranium

TTFN

On body shape and insecurities

Hey you,

This topic has been addressed by so many people in different ways; it's not exactly a new concept. However, because this is my space and I can post whatever the hell I want, I think I'll add my two cents.

The tide is shifting in our world. For males and females alike, the focus was once on being muscled/ripped or tall/skinny (respectively). Everyone got into the idea that that was what was attractive, any other way was the wrong way and you'd be shot down. And now (this is where it becomes female oriented, I don't have a penis therefore cannot speak for the male population) it's all CURVES!!! Like the Dove love your body campaign, the photo shows beautiful curvy woman, and to me personally, that seems like the new ideal. Guys only like curves, not a bag of bones, so to speak.

So basically, it doesn't matter if you're carrying a little bit of extra weight, it makes you beautiful and feminine. (quote 'Fat Bottomed Girls' and 'Baby Got Back' - the infamous 'I like big buts' line). This body shape was once frowned upon, it was like 'YOU'RE TOO FAT LOSE SOME WEIGHT OR YOU'LL DIE' but now with curves being the in thing and plus size models popping up everywhere and inspiring young girls, it's more like -

'YOU'RE TOO SKINNY GAIN SOME WEIGHT OR YOU'LL DIE'

See this is where it hits me personally. I am 19 years old, have competed in various sports since I was about 6 years old. I am flat up and down, I am muscle and bone. My curves include my collar bone, shoulders and my hip bones. It is difficult for me to gain weight, and when I do, it comes in the form of muscle. I've weighed roughly the same since I was about 15 years old. And it really hits deep where I see curves everywhere and I look at me and I'm like 'wtf'. There are two things I cannot stand: Being called too skinny, and being called a dumb blonde. I am neither of the two, I am not anorexic, I am at a perfectly healthy weight for my age and height. Neither am I dumb, for f***s sake.

Funny how things change...first the bigger girls feel insecure and now the slimmer ones do. Can't really win can you. Everyone has body insecurities. Find me someone who says they don't so I can shake them by the hand and call them a liar.

If I caused offence, I'm sorry (not really).

TTFN

Pearl Jam - Black

A post about an awesome song :D

See I don't really have anyone that got away...the first boyfriend didn't care enough and the second cared too much (and was a downright ass). Anyway, I LOVE Eddie Vedder's voice, the grunge, the angst, all the depth behind the lyrics, it's awesome. That's the music that I truly appreciate. This song in particular reminds me of getting my tattoo done...for no particular reason, I guess it's just because I had Ten stuck in my cd player at the time.

I just think this acoustic version of Black is truly wonderful, a masterpiece in itself.

TTFN