I left Facebook! What's on my mind? 6 months later

I broke it off with Facebook because I was starting my postgraduate degree and decided that it was just another distraction that I didn’t need. FB didn’t want me to leave; even though I’d specifically hunted down the delete rather than the deactivate button, Mr Zuckerberg and his mates still gave me a two week window to come crawling back. I didn’t. So, without further ado, here are some thoughts that I’ve been thinking since I went cold turkey:

1. I’ve been on Facebook since I was 14 (I’m now 21) and was accessing the website and app three times a day on average. As such I considered myself mildly addicted. But, there were no withdrawal symptoms! I felt oddly detached from social media at first, having no Twitter, Tumblr, Instagram or other accounts. Despite this I haven’t missed it in the slightest.

2. It’s forced me to keep in touch (via text and email generally) with friends who don’t live in my town. It’s funny how posting a video link to a friend’s wall can almost feel like ‘Hey, we’ve been in contact now, thanks for the like’. Or even scrolling past on another friends timeline feels like you’ve caught up on their life and you’ve done your ‘catching up’ duty for at least a month.

3. Leading on from the above, all my friends are still on Facebook. And for a lot of them, it’s their primary mode of contact. So I don’t hear from my out-of-town friends very often. It’s made me feel a bit lonely, and sad that some of said friends just can’t make the effort to send a ‘hey, how are you?’ text. I wonder what would happen if everyone left FB.

4. I'm sorry to say that a grand total of three of my friends wished me a happy birthday. Though the important friends did show up to my party, it made me feel rather discounted and alone.

5. I finally understand how integrated social media is in every-day life, and I now feel like an outsider, in a minority. According to Google, ‘how many people are on Facebook?’ is searched more than ‘how many people are on earth? Go on, search it.

6. There is a heck of a lot less drama in my life. Facebook is one big source of your daily bullshit.

7. I HAVE SO MUCH MORE TIME. Granted, some of that time is spent on YouTube, but despite this I am so much more focused on study without annoying notifications or wondering if the guy I like will respond to or ignore my private message. That damn ‘seen’ popup message!

8. I am happier, and am more concerned about real lives rather than the façades I see online.

I encourage you all to leave Facebook, even if it’s just for a little while, and see what kind of difference it makes. Lock your online life in a box and text that friend you haven’t seen/heard from in a while. I promise you, they’ll appreciate it.

On Leaving University (for now)

I have finished my Bachelors degree packed up my room and moved to a new place to start a new job.

Yes I am incredibly lucky and I know it! I have busted my ass and as a result, opportunities have been handed to me on a seemingly gilded platter. However, I am learning that everything comes with a compromise. 

Because I am grieving.

This is new and alien, I did not know that you could grieve memories, a place, a period of life. The last three years have been the best of my life so far, and I desperately want to go back and do it all again because it has all ended far too soon. Relationships have been left only half formed and it leaves me wondering whether they will stand the test of time and distance, the two largest barriers to development and closeness, in my humble opinion.

And yes I know the world is my oyster and that I should move forward with leaping strides. And I will, but right now I am stuck in a sort of mental rut, It just seems that so many kinds of emotions have fallen on me rather heavily...uncertainess, hurt, sadness, grief, loneliness yet I am elated and can taste some sort of freedom on the tip of my tongue, some sort of openess at the ends of my nerves.

I am not the same person I was two, even one year ago. I feel like I know myself reasonably well, developing in all sorts of interesting directions. It's a good thing and I know that.

But sometimes it is really quite terrifying and I do not know how I should be reacting.

Also the red hot chili peppers are great for this kind of uncertain mental state.

My poetry

So recently I've decided to 'come out of the closet' so to speak, but not in the homosexual manner. Put away your lesbian fantasies right now, thank-you-very-much!

No, I am a poet and would like everyone to know it! (unintentional rhyme).

I've been writing free verse with a passion since I was thirteen or so; but was enjoying writing it in school since the age of eleven. First it was just the teenage angsty stuff; tired metaphors and cliches about not fitting in and butterfly crushes. I think that's where it ends for a lot of people. Not for me however, 20 years old and still going strong, I suppose, and I'm actually starting to realise that maybe, just maybe, my stuff isn't actually that bad. Bonus points for discovering that a distant relative (I'm talking three or four generations back, on my dad's side) was once a published poet.

I guess I've been pretty reclusive, I really don't think there's a single person in the world that I could give my little book of pencil scribblings (always pencil, I detest writing in pen) to and say 'here, read whatever the heck you want!' for the simple reason that 99% of everything I write is really quite personal. Seriously though, it's all grayscale, raw, rich truth. Realise then, that if I ever decide to share entire poems with you, you should appreciate it, because for me there is no better way for me to say 'I trust you and you are a very important person in my life'. And if I write poetry FOR someone, like a friend, family member, lover, whoever, well that is a entirely new level all together. Even if I'm wrong about that person later and they've screwed me over or something, the words I have written will always, always be true. I guess because I write in pencil, I have the power to erase everything. But I never have, even with words that are associated with people that don't give me pleasant feelings now.

Moving into performance poetry (also known as spoken word or slam poetry) has been a huge leap of faith for me. I've discovered it is easy enough to perform in front of strangers; though when it comes to people I care about,my heart hammers and my legs tremble and I have to shift my weight to stop myself from falling over. Let alone looking them in the eye, oh no, I will gaze at a spot on the wall until it's over and I can sit down and...breathe.

Words have always been a passion for me; always a reader, always a writer. Why poetry? you may wonder. BECAUSE IT HAS NO RULES! There are no grammar, punctuation rules! You can take things completely out of its normal context and mess with it in any way you like. This is also why I've been a bit wary of poetry competitions; how can one define good poetry? You can't, and that is what makes it one of the most expressive forms of literature. That also means that anyone, everyone can write. And don't give me bull about 'how you have no talent' or you 'just can't' because those are excuses. Also, for the record, poetry is not 'girly' I can guarantee that the majority of the most widely celebrated and classic poets are men. Some beautiful beautiful stuff they have produced too.

My favourite modern poet: Sujata Bhatt
My favourite classic poets: John Keats and John Masefield
And a famous New Zealand poet: James K. Baxter

I guess I owe you a few scraps of my stuff:

'My Mind is fringed with peacock plume,
My Dreams are tinged with an endless sea...
This is my place'  (plan to get this as a tattoo one day)

'Mountains chasing the coast,
       turn back
in defeat;
as the mighty power of the ocean roars
      its challenge.
Sinous rivers flow,
     silently, slowly
freshwater slipping past
     saltine currents.'

'Who said night time had to be lonely?
I had never felt so comforted
By the voices that will never speak'

I'll admit even these seemingly vanilla verses are hard to share.

If you got this far, congratulations! I appreciate it :)

You have no problems

Whaaaat's up?

Just started my new job. For those who don't know (I'm pretty sure that's everyone) I work as a health care assistant. Essentially, I administer care for those who need it most; elderly, physically and intellectually disabled people. This can range from helping an old man to the bathroom and doing light housework, to personal cares, feeding, dressing, giving medication, etc. Needless to say it's not your typical job, and many people are surprised to learn that I'm not working in retail or at a fast food joint, which is the norm for someone of my age group.

To be in this kinda profession for a year and a bit, you see all kinds of things. I won't list these things because I'm likely to put you off meals somehow.

And no, I am not describing my problems.

I met a new client today, and I can't give many details at the risk of being unprofessional and unethical. He is in his mid teens, and severely brain damaged. He's only been that way for 4 years, and the cause of his current state is horrific. Use your imagination. He cannot speak, his only range of movement is his head side to side, blinking and opening of the mouth. He cannot swallow. You get the picture.

To be around someone like that, it almost put me in tears. If it had I would not have been able to carry on working with him, you have to put personal emotional crap aside to do your job properly. I am now rather good at turning off that switch, so to speak. But anyway, it gets you thinking, and all that stress related crap that had been floating around in my brain for the last couple of weeks suddenly seemed so insignificant, and it honestly made me feel sick to the stomach.
   Most people float through life not knowing (and sometimes not caring) about our most vulnerable. You meet a person who is [vulnerable] and trust me, nothing will matter anymore.

So before you go thinking 'my life is crap' or 'gah so stressed out because of (enter trivial reason here)' slap yourself and say 'I have no problems'

I'm not sure if I'm even getting the point across, I am just venting essentially. And by the by, I doubt there is a teenage boy more loved by his family in this world. It's incredible, believe me.

TTFN, hope I got the gears working.

On models

Hey ya,

Don't worry I'm not gonna go on about insecurities again, lol. Just some thoughts I had after I bought a new bikini (it's awesome, btw... o'neill brand, rrp $110 down to $65!) Click here if you wanna see

Anyways, so I'd planned to jump in the surf across the road to get my much needed dose of salt water. I thought 'well, why not try out the new bikini?' and so I did. Stood up to the surf really well considering it was relatively rough, 1-1.3m waves which is decent for the local beach. Choppy too as you'd expect. I usually have a few problems finding a bikini that won't fall apart once you get into a bit of surf, so I was right pleased.

All this stuff got me thinking: Why do bikini models lounge around in the sand, etc to show scraps of fabric off? As below (don't get distracted now):


(yay for Miranda Kerr and having smallish boobs yet still being hot :p)

Seems like a complete misrepresentation, kinda like how you go to McDonalds and you see all the pretty shiny burgers on the menu but when you get your burger you're like 'wtf is this shit'

I think that they should be put in surf like this:
So we can see what happens. Ok maybe this is a little extreme but you catch my drift, right? (teeny bit of punness in there)

If that was the case, I'd be a freakin awesome bikini model. This concept/idea/opinion, however you see it would work the same for runway models too, in stilettos and stuff. I'd like to see them try working a full day and still look hot.

Thoughts, ideas, opinions? I'm craving some stimulation of the cranium

TTFN

On body shape and insecurities

Hey you,

This topic has been addressed by so many people in different ways; it's not exactly a new concept. However, because this is my space and I can post whatever the hell I want, I think I'll add my two cents.

The tide is shifting in our world. For males and females alike, the focus was once on being muscled/ripped or tall/skinny (respectively). Everyone got into the idea that that was what was attractive, any other way was the wrong way and you'd be shot down. And now (this is where it becomes female oriented, I don't have a penis therefore cannot speak for the male population) it's all CURVES!!! Like the Dove love your body campaign, the photo shows beautiful curvy woman, and to me personally, that seems like the new ideal. Guys only like curves, not a bag of bones, so to speak.

So basically, it doesn't matter if you're carrying a little bit of extra weight, it makes you beautiful and feminine. (quote 'Fat Bottomed Girls' and 'Baby Got Back' - the infamous 'I like big buts' line). This body shape was once frowned upon, it was like 'YOU'RE TOO FAT LOSE SOME WEIGHT OR YOU'LL DIE' but now with curves being the in thing and plus size models popping up everywhere and inspiring young girls, it's more like -

'YOU'RE TOO SKINNY GAIN SOME WEIGHT OR YOU'LL DIE'

See this is where it hits me personally. I am 19 years old, have competed in various sports since I was about 6 years old. I am flat up and down, I am muscle and bone. My curves include my collar bone, shoulders and my hip bones. It is difficult for me to gain weight, and when I do, it comes in the form of muscle. I've weighed roughly the same since I was about 15 years old. And it really hits deep where I see curves everywhere and I look at me and I'm like 'wtf'. There are two things I cannot stand: Being called too skinny, and being called a dumb blonde. I am neither of the two, I am not anorexic, I am at a perfectly healthy weight for my age and height. Neither am I dumb, for f***s sake.

Funny how things change...first the bigger girls feel insecure and now the slimmer ones do. Can't really win can you. Everyone has body insecurities. Find me someone who says they don't so I can shake them by the hand and call them a liar.

If I caused offence, I'm sorry (not really).

TTFN

Some random verses I thought I'd share

From afar,
He could be watching the seagulls at his feet
But closer-

***

Life is delicate.

Like a flower,

Buried in the sand

***

Pure, quiet, country air

Grayscale hills as far as one could see

                                                                              ***
They were one.
-but
day breaks, and only the sheets are left to dance the dance of love

Blackfish: Movie review

Couldn't be bothered to do this yesterday, so here it is now!

Last week I went to Rialto cinemas (by myself!) to watch the Blackfish documentry. It premiered at the Sundance Film festival, and was brought to NZ as part of the New Zealand Film Festival. It's about orca whales in captivity - specifically Tilikum, a large bull held at Sea World in Florida. The film focuses on the killings of human trainers by whales in captivity, and the controversy (and excuses) surrounding it. It's heartbreaking, yet also acts like a slap around your face, pulls you from the cocoon of your safe little world and reminds you that humanity freakin' sucks! You can't help being mesmerised by this doco, and I can guarantee you'll walk out of the theater with new thoughts and ideas. 

Go see it! Now! It's good to fall out of your comfort zone once and a while. Here's the trailer:

Official website,

And the original article that inspired the director

CLICK!

TTFN,

M.F.S

100 Questions no one asks - Thanks Laura!

Hey you,


Kudos to Laura, thought I should do this because I can! :D


1:Do you sleep with your closet doors open or closed? Closed
2:Do you take the shampoos and conditioner bottles from hotel? Yes, free stuff :)
3:Do you sleep with your sheets tucked in or out? Half and half
4:Have you ever stolen a street sign before? um no. My dad has though
5:Do you like to use post-it notes? Yes indeed
6:Do you cut out coupons but then never use them? Yep
7:Would you rather be attacked by a big bear or a swarm of a bees? Neither, that's an awful choice.
8:Do you have freckles? Nope
9:Do you always smile for pictures? The majority of the time
10:What is your biggest pet peeve? People who try and tell me what to do
11:Do you ever count your steps when you walk? Nope
12:Have you ever peed in the woods? Yes
13:What about pooped in the woods? No
14:Do you ever dance even if theres no music playing? I certainly do!
15:Do you chew your pens and pencils? Nope
16:How many people have you slept with this week? Big fat zero
17:What size is your bed? Double
18:What is your Song of the week? U.N.I by Ed Sheeran
19:Is it okay for guys to wear pink? If they suit it, then yes
20:Do you still watch cartoons? Of course. The ones from my childhood only
21:Whats your least favorite movie? Ugh, Eragon was pretty crap. Book was awesome though
22:Where would you bury hidden treasure if you had some? None of your business
23:What do you drink with dinner? Tea sometimes
24:What do you dip a chicken nugget in? Nothing, those things are nasty
25:What is your favorite food? Roast lamb and veges. Or home made chow mein.
26:What movies could you watch over and over and still love? Inception, Hot Rod, Avatar, Contagion, The Little Mermaid, Charlie and the Chocolate Factory (original), Titanic, Looper.
27:Last person you kissed/kissed you? Like a proper kiss? Some drunk guy in a bar.
28:Were you ever a boy/girl scout? Yes!
29:Would you ever strip or pose nude in a magazine? Hell no
30:When was the last time you wrote a letter to someone on paper? Last week, to my best friend in Aus
31:Can you change the oil on a car? Yep!
32:Ever gotten a speeding ticket? Not that I know of :p
33:Ever ran out of gas? No, but I've come pretty close
34:Favorite kind of sandwich? Smoked chicken and salad
35:Best thing to eat for breakfast? Porridge with yoghurt and fruit
36:What is your usual bedtime? 9:30-10pm ish, depending on work
37:Are you lazy? Not really
38:When you were a kid, what did you dress up as for Halloween? Never did Halloween
39:What is your Chinese astrological sign? The Dog, apparently
40:How many languages can you speak? English, some words in Maori, Japanese and Italian
41:Do you have any magazine subscriptions? No
42:Which are better legos or lincoln logs? Lego!!
43:Are you stubborn? Sometimes I can be, depends on the situation
44:Who is better...Leno or Letterman? Neither
45:Ever watch soap operas? Not really
46:Are you afraid of heights? Nope
47:Do you sing in the car? Yes! who doesn't?
48:Do you sing in the shower? Nah
49:Do you dance in the car? How is that possible?
50:Ever used a gun? Yep
51:Last time you got a portrait taken by a photographer? Er ages ago? lol maybe like 5 years ago
52:Do you think musicals are cheesy? They're ok. Love Grease!
53:Is Christmas stressful? Nah
54:Ever eat a pierogi? a what? lol
55:Favorite type of fruit pie? Rhubarb & Apple
56:Occupations you wanted to be when you were a kid? Air Hostess, Vet, Lawyer
57:Do you believe in ghosts? Sort of
58:Ever have a Deja-vu feeling? Yeah!
59:Take a vitamin daily? No
60:Wear slippers? Sometimes
61:Wear a bath robe? Yep
62:What do you wear to bed? Pyjamas
63:First concert? Green Day
64:Wal-Mart, Target or Kmart? None of the above
65:Nike or Adidas? Neither
66:Cheetos Or Fritos? Doritos!
67:Peanuts or Sunflower seeds? Sunflower seeds
68:Ever hear of the group Tres Bien? No
69:Ever take dance lessons? Nope
70:Is there a profession you picture your future spouse doing? Marine biologist I hope. Or personal trainer, physiotherapist, that kind of thing.
71:Can you curl your tongue? No
72:Ever won a spelling bee?No
73:Have you ever cried because you were so happy? Yep
74:Own any record albums? No
75:Own a record player? No
76:Regularly burn incense? Lol no
77:Ever been in love? I think so
78:Who would you like to see in concert? GOO GOO DOLLS!!!!!!
79:What was the last concert you saw? Ronan Keating
80:Hot tea or cold tea? Hot
81:Tea or coffee? Tea
82:Sugar or snickerdoodles? Aye? I no speak Americano
83:Can you swim well? Yep
84:Can you hold your breath without holding your nose? Who can't
85:Are you patient? No way
86:DJ or band, at a wedding? Band
87:Ever won a contest? Not that I can recall
88:Ever have plastic surgery? Nah
89:Which are better black or green olives? Black ftw
90:Can you knit or crochet? Knit...sort of
.91:Best room for a fireplace? Lounge
92:Do you want to get married? Yes
93:If married, how long have you been married? Not married!
94:Who was your HS crush? Meh there were a couple of guys. Choices were limited haha
95:Do you cry and throw a fit until you get your own way? No, I'm not retarded
96:Do you have kids? Nah
97:Do you want kids? Yes
98:Whats your favorite color? Turquoise boarding on light green
99:Do you miss anyone right now? Yes! Roxanne
BONUS JONAS QUESTION: Something that happened to you in middle school? Lots of things happened lol.


There we have it! :)

TTFN

M.F.S

Things that piss the hell out of me!

I'm not going to call them 'pet peeves' for two reasons
a) I don't like the term
b) It's so mainstream and generic...something I try not to be.

WARNING! Don't take any of this personally. If you do, don't cry about it, you're the one who chose to read the post!

Here's a picture of some piglets to make everyone happy again.
Here we go!

• People who throw rubbish on the ground! Especially when there's a bin like 2 metres away. Really annoys me, it's just so disrespectful!
• Spitting in public. Just ew.
• People who don't show up for lectures then ask for your notes. I don't mind this for people who were sick on the day or had some other legit reason, but when you 'slept in' or 'just couldn't be bothered' or 'didn't have enough money for fuel because I spent it on McDonalds' yeah...you get the drift. Here's what goes on in my head: 'I really don't want to give you my notes, but I will anyway, because otherwise I'll get the reputation of class bitch, even though it would be totally unfair to myself.'
• People who try and hold a conversation with me during a lecture/while I'm reading/listening to music...and then wonder why they're being ignored.
• Ok, so I'm a hard working person, with no student allowance with a part time job doing full time study right? I pay my taxes, and I don't mind that they go to the upkeep of roads, all the infrastucture stuff, blah de blah. What I really don't like is when my hard earned money, goes towards the dole/student allowance/sickness benefit then you hear about people on those benefits putting all that money into booze, crap stuff in general that is not essential to keep you alive. For me personally, when I had the student allowance, all my money went to rent/groceries/fuel. And quite frankly, that's how it should be. 
• People who think they're 'skux' and play music loudly from their phones in public. Most of the time it's shitty mainstream stuff. If it were the Goo Goo Dolls, I'd probably go up and kiss that person.
• 'Gangsters' who don't know what a belt is. 
• Chicks who were leggings as pants. THEY ARE NOT PANTS AND WE CAN ALL SEE YOUR UNDERWEAR SO PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF GOD BUY SOME FRICKEN JEANS OR SOMETHING!!!!! See you've all made me really mad, I locked the caps!!!! But honestly, the only people who should be wearing something so skin tight with nothing over top, are ballet dancers and swimmers. 
• Justin Bieber, Nicki Minaj and their fans. I don't think any explanation is needed here.

I'm sure I have plenty more, but that's enough rage for now. Phew.

TTFN,

M.F.S

Yoghurt for dinner

These were my odd thoughts while I was eating yoghurt for dinner

The TV was blaring in the background, some war story, I think it was about the chemical attacks in Syria. Pictures flash across the screen, the warning 'some of these images may be disturbing' but how many of us really turn away? Anyway, so snips of footage show of children convulsing, blood, dilated pupils, with the accompanying heartbreaking symphony of screaming and shouting. Miserable depressing thoughts it gave me.

Then I jump on Facebook; all my fellow marine biology friends posting updates about the leak of radioactive water into the Pacific Ocean, no more eating fishes for you, they might have more eyes than you can count.

And more locally...

The GCSB bill-
Selling off assests-
Snapper quota-
Maui Dolphins-
..etc. John Key is basically kicking himself out of power.

I could honestly go on forever, murders, decline of animal populations, deforestation in the Amazon, rising sea levels, pollution.

And believe me, I care about every single one of these issues, and many more besides. Sometimes I think I care too much.
  So I savoured the tangy taste of passionfruit, and I thought- if all this can go on and I can still sit here and eat passionfruit yoghurt for dinner without being reprimanded or judged for it, then maybe the world isn't so terrible after all. Because who knows, maybe one day someone will be chucked in jail because they were found eating yoghurt for dinner, or red velvet cake for breakfast.

My point is, my lovely internet friends, is that we should always appreciate the little things in life, and take a positive spin on everything, because you don't know how much longer it will last.

TTFN,
M.F.S